The First Days of Pain

Today is the day. I have done one 700 squats in under a week. I feel I’m transforming. I don’t think I could ever go back to not sweating like this again. Not putting in the work. If I can do 100 squats a day, surely I can do more. And if I can do this, then I can do anything! I can live my life as the creative entrepreneur I am through my words and gifts. I need to do the reps. Learn how to do proper push-ups. Literally and metaphorically. I’m too sentient. Not sure if that’s the right word to describe it, so that I will try again. I feel too much. I absorb all the energies around me. I.e. when Husbando’s down. I could have had the most fantastic day, and I, too, get down. I, too, feel his pain. I feel everyone’s pain. I feel the world as it takes a new path, and I search for my light. But it gets sucked into darkness somehow. I remember the days when I could go to my member’s club—a place to meet friends and feel at home. Be at home. Today is a sunny day. I am sitting on a bench by the Thames, contemplating my life. My practice. Who I am as a martial artist. I keep going like a yo-yo - up, down, up, down. Emotions are emotions, though. How can I take all that I am and learn to evolve as a human being through my practice? After a long period of getting sucked into depression, anxiety, overwhelm, I am learning to own all that I am. Knowing that the real me, the person I know I am, I want to exist already. I need to find her.

As I keep working on my daily taichi routine, not too crazy, aiming to find her, the Princess Warrior that can do the splits without breaking a sweat, letting the emotions flow. Letting the feelings come to see me and leave me. Transformation. Yeah, bitch. But first, we have to go through the first days of pain. I am on it. I keep ongoing. Knowing that the initial pain of the unknown is well worth it.

Karlina Princess Warrior @Southbank Centre